WTF is wrong with our school system?

Why am I disappointed about the school systems you ask? Could it be the school lunches or the lack of students making it into higher education programs? False. What is really pissing me off is...... WTF happened to all the Hot Teachers Banging 13yr old students!! When was the last time we even heard about a teacher giving a 13yr a hand job. I mean come on here, when else is a 13yr old gonna get his chance to get his peter wet with an older and experienced woman.

Who cares about “higher learning” when in the 5h grade you can learn useful things like “pitching a tent”. Turning the horseshoe toss into the NUVA Ring toss. This is something our school system should be able to stand behind. No longer a need to talk about wet dreams in Sex Ed after a 13yr old puts a money shot in his teachers face. He already knows whats going on with his body, now he just needs to find himself a little hussy so he can continue to get his jollies.

I know some of you will be outraged by reading this....what I have to say to you is fuck off. I mean seriously. I can see my inbox filling up already with hate mail on this but honestly, I think that there is some good value to my theory.

No longer a need to talk about the birds and the bees. Do you ever worry about your child sleeping with some random, learning bad habits and not being able to satisfy their partners when they get older (ok so I added that)? How about the worry of knocking up some random girl, at least you know she will have a job so she will be able to help support the child.



OK so they aren't all hot but shit......most of my readers would die to get in one of these vixens. If I was 13 I would defiantly pick the one on the left, not the crack whore looking substitute teacher Lisa Robyn on the right. On the left is Pamela Rogers, she is a 28 year old school teachers who got 9 months in jail for sleeping with a 13yr old. Not only was she the home coming queen in college, but she was also a bikini-clad promoter for a professional wrestling match.

Doesn't it seem odd that most of the ladies that were being accused of this were blonds. Think they were confused?

So I leave you with this question readers: would you be more upset that your 13yr old son was sleeping with a teacher like Pamela or would you just be pissed because it wasn't you she was sleeping with?

Are the Great Plains really that great?

Alright so its been a while since I have updated this and I apologizes. I have been traveling the vast northern/Midwest part of the country for the last few months with little to no time to actually get on a computer to do anything other then work. Here I find myself on the road once again but this time as a passenger in the part of the country we call the Great Plains.

Why the hell do we call them the Great Plains, there really isn't a ton of shit up here to do. What makes them so great? Is it the worlds tallest Indian in Michigan? I was excited to see this monster until I was sadly disappointed. At first I saw the sign and the closer I got the more excited I had gotten, here comes the exit and without even making a decision if I was going to check this guy out I found myself clicking the knob for the blinker. Hand of hand I mad the corner and then found it was still 8 miles away, thats ok I thought this is something I can talk about for years. I started having thoughts in my head like why had I not seen or herd of this Indian before, is this a well kept Michigan secret? Ok, so 2 more blocks to go, I am assuming he will be in building of some sort as it was a brisk morning. The sign said one final left and here he was at the top of a tall hill............ this fucking Indian was nothing more then an elementary project gone bad. It was a tallish statue like thing made out of what I would assume was twigs and mortar standing on the top of a hill. What the fuck did I get off the highway for, this art atrocity just sucked valuable time out of my life. I could have been to the hotel with a beer in my hand by now and here I am looking at a paper mesa man.

So back on the road I went, disappointed and thirsty. Next stop was the Great Hideaway in Northern Wisconsin. This was honestly one of the coolest fucking things I saw on the whole work travels. I am not going to lie this was not the first time that I had been there but it was the first time I was old enough to either talk about or remember what I saw. For any of you who don't know who Al Capone (simply implying that you have lived in a cave your whole life, I would just nod my head and go along pretending you know who the most notorious mob boss in US history is) you people may not understand. Al created this kick ass house in Wisconsin for 2 reasons, first was not to get away from the city life and hang with his pals in seclusion, in my opinion that was second. First was to fly in booze from Canada where they landed on a private lake on the grounds with planes on an almost daily bases. Shit if I has a private lake back then I would have done the same thing, the only difference was that Al had armed guards with tommy guns lining the property. Secret entrances and private get aways kept the fuzz off The Boss. This is the only place I would suggest you go out of all the places I stopped and if you get thirsty while you are there, hit up the Saloon. Gotta love a place where you can drink and look at cool shit.

So lets see what was next on my jereny through the vast plains. Oh yes it was Paul Bonion and the Great Blue Ox in Northern Minnesota. Now if I remember the story correctly Paul and his trusty ox created the great plains and the lakes were all created by his footprints (correct me if I am wrong, I lost interest when I found out this story was a fairytale and my tour guide wasn't the least bit attractive so she lost my interest as well). The story goes that Paul did all this shit including... wait I forgot to tell you this part, wait for it........(I know the suspense is killing me too)........keep waiting........cut down all the trees cause apparently this over abundant ogre of a man had nothing better to do so he picked up a job as a lumber jack. Why the fuck would a beast of a man pick of a job as a lumber jack, it makes not sense. Him and the tallest Indian could have gotten in a fight, this I would have liked to see. The tallest Indian swinging his long feather filled main around as he hurled a tomahawk had a man the size of a 747 wheeling an ax. I would give this one to Paul mainly because if hes stuck against the ropes he can tag Babe in to finish the fool off. Good news tree hugers, Paul B was the reason for change in landscape not the Ice Age so start throwing your beer cans back in the river, Global warming isn't shit and Paul is dead.

Made a few more stops in North Dakota and South Dakota, non worth boring you with. Oh shit can't forget about Iowa, they don't just have corn anymore now they have corn and windmills lol, 2 attractions is a lot for a place like that.

So back to my original question, what makes the Great Plains so great. There isn't anything more great about them then say California, should we call it the Great West or the Great East. The plains are a vast combination of driving on shitty roads, snow storms, floods, tornado's, heat storms, humidity, freezing cold days with blistery hot nights, bridges to nowhere (Lincoln Nebraska, had like a 10 mile bridge over land, what a fucking waste of tax payer money) and lots of corn fields lol. All and all the people were nice, every non-chain restaurant was like eating at grandmas house, the bars were cheep, the women looked good (ok so some of them, not that many, go to Grand Forks, ND. There is a hot chic behind every tree) and the weather was never the same 2 days in a row.

Ok fuck it, they earned the Great part of their name, but I'm still pissed about the fucking Tallest Indian.

More to come

Enough with the email requests, I have moved like 4 times in the last few months. I have a couple of posts that will be updated very soon, just one more move to do and they will be on here.....promise.


***Oh yeah*****

Why dose nobody subscribe and yet email me. Add to my following list!!

Teflone

Ok so I am a little upset here. I without a doubt have always understood that Teflone was a slipper or non-stick substance. Let's be honest here ladies you will be upset when you find out that its the most slipper substance in the world. No I am not talking about cooking here as that wouldn't go with the theme of my blog. I understand that it is important to use something like this so that my eggs don't stick to the pan or so that its easier to clean up hamburger when I'm done cooking. As always when I herd this I referred to the Wikipedia and I'll be damned they confirmed this.


So why am I upset about this? I was under the understanding that KY was the slipperiest substance known to man. Maybe I am a little naive here but lets be honest. Next time you find yourself in a situation where the party has been going a little long and and your starting to get chafed by your “tonight stand” this isn't a good thing. This find would suggest that instead of busting out the KY and fornicating until the sun comes up its a better idea to raid the bottom drawer on your stove and grab your favorite frying pan.


Hope you clean your dishes fellas cause I am thinking some leftover bacon would cause a rash!!

Put a suit on him........

So am sitting here watching Jimmy Fallen on late night and I had an epiphany. In a world where image is everything why the hell do the people we recognize look like the same people we make fun of all the time. So I had a thought, put a guy in a suit and he could be our next billionaire tv

star. So what I will do is continue to add pictures to this post from time to time with different famous people. Please feel free to send me any ideas that you have of famous people who fit outside of the "pop image".

Donald Trump:

I am not sure if “The Donald” and his mullet started his real estate carrier selling trailers to rednecks, but if he had I could imagine that his pitch went something like this:

This beautiful trailer on the west side of the park not only gets the morning sun but comes with the following amenities:

1. This baby is a double wide which means we backed up 2 trailers next to each other knocked out a wall on each side and ducktaped them together (in case you wanted a big kitchen this baby has 2 of them because we left both of them in tacked)

2. Ever want 2 front doors, well if so your in luck cause this one has those too.

3. We can upgrade your trailer for pennies to the dollar so it doesn't have to sit in the dirt and get you some cinder blocks for it to rest on

4. If you are someone who likes to sit in front of a fireplace on those cold night I am going to throw in a vhs that has a looping image of wood burning on a cold winter night

Ok so its a long way from there to the billionaire lifestyle that Donald lives today. Lets be honest though, if he can do it with that crazy looking mullet even the fans of this blog could makes something big of there lives. I am not saying my readers are uneducated or dumb (I wrote this I would be making fun of myself), what I am saying is that image must actually mean nothing at all.

So here is my theory, you can put a suit on just about anyone and make them look good enough to convince people that they can make dreams happen. Take this uneducated inbred looking hillbilly.

This guy is what I would imagine Donald looked like when he started his trailer sales carrier. I have been looking back for over an hour at old pictures of Trump and I can't seem to find anything out there that shows him without some sort of mullet.

For your viewing pleasure I have found a picture Donald that s

hows multiple views of his famous hair.

Hey look they both even have the same smile. Maybe its just the fact that they both look like victimes of a floby (that's right bringing back the haircut vacuum wonder) but I think that I would rather spend my money with a $0.05 hooker hopped up on Ritalin than give my money to either of these guys.

If I saw this guy in a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt I honestly wouldn't be able to tell the 2 apart. Give the guy above a suit and a recent copy of the housing listings and I think we could create a man with an appreciation for 24 carrot gold plated bathroom fixtures.

****Keep posted many more to come****

Fukn Pussy US Car Makers

Alright so I know this was on CNN a couple of years ago but I just recently ran across it again and had to vent for a minute. So lets talk about the US auto makers for a minute........ I bet you think I am going to talk about the "bail out" don't you. Wrong.... I am going to talk about the fact that in South Africa they have come up with a wonderful security system to help prevent further auto thief. Now mind you this is one of the highest theft and car jacking places on the planet....... but the auto manufacturers over there have taken to upping there options installed security systems.

So lets start with a solution that people seems to deter thief's here in the US. Its called "The Club". You can pick up one of these party favors on www.theclub.com or most likely at your local walmart in the bargain bin. This invention worked great for the first 10 minutes it was on the market. OK we will give it 15 minutes (you know 15 minutes of fame....wow its getting late). What kinda of degenerate actually thinks that installing a handlebar on their steering wheel will stop some other degenerate from steeling their car. I mean seriously a pair of bolt cutters or a hacksaw and in 2 minutes the thief is back to steeling the car like it was never there. According to their website LA has the highest theft rate at 73,922 cars stolen in 2007. Seeing is when I was in Cali I used to see these things on cars all the time, I would say that probably 50% of the cars stolen at a minimum has this piece of shit attached to the steering wheel. Here is another thought for Chrysler to raise there revenue numbers, if there are still enough dyslexics out there buying these things out there maybe you should add this as a factory option. False security is better than no Security........



So now lets take a look at one of the factory install options that you can get in South Africa. I have included a video CNN posted with a demo of how it works. Mind you their theft rate is one of the highest in the world. Shit they had 280k assaults in 2004 if that gives you an idea how relentless these guys are. So this video includes a factory install option. My question is how dose it sound when you walk into the dealership. I bet the convo would go something like this: "Hey there Mr.Cellphish what would you like us to add to your car today.....perhaps a spoiler?", I thought about the spoiler but I think I will stick to the mud flaps, scotgaurded seats, the wood grain package, the Flamethrower Package, and the upgraded alloy wheels. "I'm sorry did you say Flamethrower Package over the spoiler?" If someone wants to steel my car I will help get sending them to internal damn nation from the spot of the crime.


I am thinking that this may be just what we need in LA to prevent thieves from steel H2's from Hollywood's up an comers. Let me know what you think.

Things you need to be kewl from a guy who dosn't give a shit what you think

So I have recently seen a news story about the must have items people bought for Christmas this year. I am sorry but this is a list compiled of bs items that neither make our life's better or increase our status to anyone but ourselves. I will admit that I found that I own some of the shit on this list and am re-evaluating some of the spending choices I have made in my life.

Lets start with the Nintendo Wii gaming system. This family fun entertainment system is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I'm sorry but if you can get past the shitty gaming titles like "Cooking Moma" and the idea of looking like you are having an epileptic seizure while you are trying to participate in "Olympic Games" then you have less self respect than even I do. I will admit that I have owned a Wii and have felt like I must ride a shorter than normal bus to work every day while licking a piece of glass (think they call it a window). I guess my biggest gripe about this system is the amount of people getting hurt. This is a "family friendly" system and yet there is a website www.wiiinjury.com where you can post pictures of family and friends getting there asses kicked by you while playing Wii Tennis. A couple months after the Wii came out Nintendo sent wrist straps to there registered users in order to prevent and further injuries or damage tv systems. Maybe when you see that fun little picture keeps telling you to put your wrist strap on before you play there should be a picture of a full face helmet, wrist guards, elbow and knee pads. Just a thought Nintendo but maybe you could figure this shit out and at least send out some safety glasses.

Next Big Ticket Item this year: Elmo Live



Didn't this little bundle of joy fall short or Tickle Me Elmo. If you want my opinion and I am sure you do or your wouldn't be reading this; what they fuck are you idiots thinking. Yeah this was so much the next big item that Amazon.com had this baby on sale before it hit the shelf's. Fisher Price thought they figure this all out after the first time and made so many that they are still looking for a big enough junk yard to bury these next to the "electric car" and E.T. for Atari. So Elmo sits, stands, crosses his legs all while telling jokes. Would be way kewler if he patted his head and rubbed his belly at the same time. This sounds like as much fun as a hello Kitty Vibrator with dead batteries.
(There you go ladies I thought you might wanna flashback picture)

Last but not least the Kindle EBook reader:

This piece of shit was endorsed by Opera. I'm sorry but if you are to lazy to turn the pages on your favorite Harry Potter book than you need to rent the fucking movies. I wont endorse something like this until it comes in full color and I can sit down with a box of tissues and scroll through the pages of classic Penthouse issues. There are all sorts of accessories for this thing like pink cases, extra memory cards, reading lights (you mean this piece of shit doesn't have a backlight), and screen protectors. Make this thing color and load up some adult entertainment and you will sell the shit out of the screen covers and you can add cleaning rags to the mix of accessories. Might want to make some sort of waterproof case (think this would be a big seller too). Think Opera would endorse it if she knew what the upgrades were added for.



There it is, the top 3 suggested item for Christmas 08. Just a bunch or more random useless shit that we will all be talked into buying at some point. I just hope I can hold out for the Kindle until the new color version comes out.